I am writing now

For twenty seven years, since the age of eighteen, I have been walking along, not looking back, in order to deal with a certain amount of instability, knowing I will not be staying put for long.  I have now been living in one place for five years this Spring, which is the longest I've lived anywhere since I left home for college.

I am writing now and it is as if I've finally found the courage to look back, from a more stable place, a slightly higher place, that allows me to see much of what has come before.  It is a wildly varied terrain with little continuity, though I believe there is a unifying force holding it together, maybe the sky above or some deep underground river.

It seems that I have lived long enough to finally be able to see these things and how they relate to who I am.  My traveling companion of fifteen years has been an invaluable part of this process.  Like a powerful magnifying lens, she has helped bring difficult things into focus.  Some glimpses give weight to wonder while others fill me with a kind of dismal despair.

But if I can begin to try and make sense of it all, maybe I can change the terrain that is to come, making it something better, something higher, something deeper, something richer and more full of life as a lead-in to the world to come.