Godzilla Returns

Since when did the world get so complicated?  Since I left home I would guess, though it was complicated then too, the difference being I could foist my failures off on my parents who had not raised me right, who had zigged when they should have zagged, while I wallowed in self-pity and dangled on the rope of their subsidies, kicking and swinging to avoid the undertow of worldly responsibilities swirling below me like a massive whirlpool.

I am fully an adult now, or so I imagine.  I have a good job that is secure and satisfying.  I took so many detours to get here that I am not exactly sure where "here" is.  I frequently have dreams about all of those detours and missteps which drown me in a sea of despair.  It is only when I am ascending from the depths of sleep that I slowly realize... I have a job!  I have a family!  I pop up on the surface and take in a huge breath of relief!  In my choose-your-own-adventure-of-a-life I somehow found the right page and the right path in spite of myself.

But even now, in my middle years, things seem shaky, like I will wake up one day and the dream will have been the reality and not just the torment of my aimless twenties.  I've seen movies like this and they are some of my favorites, maybe because they are not me and I have avoided such a fate, or so I imagine.  And what does all of this underground angst gain me?  It fuels a powerful underflow of empathy that surfaces when I need it to, especially when dealing with my colleagues and patients at the hospital.

But what about home?  Where is that understanding and empathy when it comes to those I am actually related to by blood and marriage?  It is harder and I don't know why it should be harder.  Maybe because we are more clearly connected, our fates intertwined.  It is much scarier to have to fulfill those obligations first and foremost without fail or foisting.  There is no escape route when things seem overwhelming and it becomes a matter of hunkering down even as the Sirens circle and attempt to call me away.

Maybe this is at the core of what it means to be an adult, a healthy human being, an agent of stability in a chaotic world where the monster of SELF rages and destroys like Godzilla leveling cities, looking down his snout at others, exhaling a withering blast of condescension and sarcasm.  And how did I end up with a Japanese B-movie metaphor?  It's complicated, I guess, and so I am back where I began.


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